The Age of the Enabler

An enabler is a person who prevents the full maturation of another person (most likely a child, sibling, spouse, or another family member).

The enabler also provides excuses for his/her 'grown' dependency and assists the individual to avoid the consequences of such behavior. Enabler provides excuses such as 'I can't kick my baby out in the street'.

One translation could be 'I don't have the confidence in my child/spouse/family member to make it without me.' Another translation could be 'I don't have a life of my own so I will fully immerse myself into my child's life.'

Most enablers will defend their perspective as to why they should continue to act in such a destructive fashion and will most likely never stop being enablers.

An enabler can be a mom, dad, grand mom, aunt, uncle, or sibling. But from my experience, most of the enablers are women (mom/grand mom) due to the fact that so many guys (Fathers) in our families are M.I.A. (Missing In Action) which is another conversation altogether. Also, enablers think that by enforcing 'tough love', the child will love them less.

They also think that being tough on their child will make them a 'bad' parent, which is kind of ironic since what they are currently doing is not working. I find that most enablers are suffering from some emotional dysfunction, which came from previous experiences (childhood or failed relationships) and cope with that hurt or pain by overcompensating for their dependents.

Another example of an enabler within our families is grandparents rearing grandchildren. Oftentimes, because the enabler didn't do a good job rearing his/her child to become a responsible adult, the grandparent feels an obligation to rear their children’s children.

Keep in mind, that in most cases, there's nothing physically wrong with his or her child yet the grandparent doesn’t believe that his/her child will fulfill the role of being a parent. Instead of doing the logical thing by making their child become the parent, they cop out.

Another factor in the decision to rear grandchildren is the guilt that many elders feel of not rearing their children to become a responsible adult.

The dependent (the recipient of the enabler) most likely will never see how they are being handicapped by their enabler and will think that suggesting that they should 'grow up' is an insane notion.

Some will engage in cursing and/or fighting for their 'life line'. The dependent makes excuses as well such as, 'I'm going through some things and I need time to get it together', even though they are not paying bills or contributing to those who struggle to pay for them and their children.

The sad commentary in all of this is that the majority of our families consist of several enablers and this is one of the reasons why we have so many grown males/females who can't seem to 'get it together'. And what many enablers are unwilling to admit is that one day they will transition this life (i.e. 'Upper Room') and will leave a legacy of chaos and family dysfunction. All the dependent will do is find another enabler and/or go into a deep depression.

We are in a state of emergency and losing too many Black males to violence, incarceration, life of immaturity, life of unproductiveness and drug abuse.

We must collectively step up our efforts to develop strong men who can provide for themselves, their families and their community. But in order for this to occur, we need more parents to take an honest look in the mirror and stop crippling their sons. We need more parents to ask for help when they don’t have the answers, closed mouths don’t get fed. If we are honest, many of us desperately need professional counseling and lack the parental skills to be effective.

We need more family members and friends to step up their efforts in assisting each other. We need to be honest with our loved ones and friends. It truly takes a village to raise a child.

My wife always says that we live longer as adults than we live as children. Yet, we perform poorly training our children to become responsible adults. Too often, we allow our children to spend hours upon hours 'playing' yet spend very little time engaging in developing productive social, life and academic skills necessary to compete in today's society.

The #1 job of a parent is to rear productive men and women who can stand on their own two feet. Parents' jobs are to produce future moms and dads who can provide/nurture for their own children; produce men and women who can excel in their careers and professions; and to produce men and women who can maintain healthy relationships with others.

We must do whatever it takes to stop crippling our sons/grandsons and equip them with all the tools needed to be competitive and productive men who will FIGHT for their right to exist on this planet. Otherwise, the future looks very dim for our children and their children.'